Three days ago was light
Rachel and breast cancer call
Now my heart is heavy
Learning Lessons
I find myself reflecting a lot this week on the concept of learning lessons, and where the phrase “I hope you’ve learned a lesson” originated. It has always felt like a scolding of some sort to me. So, I did a Google search to see what the Internet had to say, which only confirmed the connection I was making to being scolded. The FreeDictionary.com’s definitions included the phrases “bad behavior” or “unpleasant experiences” (what the dictionary.com had to say about it).
Yes, this does mean that I had an encounter recently with this lovely idiom (it usually surfaces about this time of year), and my experience reminded me of what Derald Wing Sue shared at the Lilly Conference this fall (2013) regarding microagressions. I was left with the feeling that the other person was trying to put me in my place. Yes, I have many new things to learn about in life, but there are also things I have already learned and new experiences only deepen that learning. This experience is contributing to the deepening kind of learning, and has often occurred in my life because, as someone once said to me, “I don’t show full respect for the privilege others have”. Don’t take that mean that I go around like a bull in a china shop because that is not the case. That wouldn’t do any good even if I wanted to do so. I own that I am still exploring what it means for me to “not respect the privilege others have” given that I have privileges myself (and I probably always will be exploring this, but I will save that for a future post :)). I do believe that this most recent experience, and these reflections about it, are a part of that exploration. Much to sit with.
I also think the phrase “I hope you learned your lesson” is supposed to elicit feelings on my part…where I am supposed to feel bad that what I did is now causing troubles for other people. And I often do dislike greatly the amount of time and energy that is spent dealing with such situations (yes, it would be so nice if such experiences never happened), but I don’t believe that I am intentionally trying to be difficult. Rather, I am being me, and yes, I can be asked to be incongruent with who I am, and I often am asked just that (please note, these are rarely formal requests), but there is a cost for me to do so, thus the decision is not an easy one to make. It never really feels like the phrase “I hope you learned your lesson” acknowledges that cost. And then what do you do if in staying congruent to who you are there is a cost for others? It can be tough stuff to navigate. Again, much to sit with.
I share all of this because it is on my mind, and also because I work in the field of education, which means that there are often “lessons” we are supposed to want others to learn. And in reflecting on those lessons, I can’t help but hear a connection to what James Zull (2002) calls the “Teaching Trap” in his book The Art of Changing the Brain. Essentially, Zull discusses how learning is always happening, but the question we should be asking is if the learning we want to be happening is the learning that is occurring, or is something else really being learned?
“Meet Students Where They Are At”
I’ve arguably been working in the field of student affairs since I accepted an RA position at TCU when I was a sophomore. However, it wasn’t until I began my journey to become a full-time professional that I began hearing the phrase “meet students where they are at”. Many years later, during which time I was a student affairs practitioners at several different institutions, I continue to hear this phrase used. This time, however, I am a faculty member, and so yes, although it did bother me as a practitioner (I know, I know..I can recall using it and still find myself using it at times…I own it) it seems to be bothering me even more as a faculty member.
It just isn’t feeling comfortable.
It isn’t that I don’t understand why it is being used. I often jokingly respond to someone when I hear them use the phrase “do you mean physically meet them because that seems like it might be impossible given we’d have to go to students homes, etc.?” To which we often laugh and then they proceed to tell me that what they mean is developmentally. Which actually, despite the courses that I teach and my research interests, actually doesn’t help me. Rather, it makes me curious about how the person using the phrase came to determine where the person is at in terms of their development.
My curiosity around what I refer around “the how” (aka how they came to determine, in this case, where a person is at in their development) seems endless the more experiences I have, and yet, I often feel alone in the conversation, or at least I’m reminded that my curiosity is different, which is connected to feeling alone. Patrick Love wrote an article about informal theory a few years ago in the Journal of College Student Development. I’ve often thought of this article, especially as I’ve heard people say that they aren’t “theory to practice” people. I’m not even sure what that means? (It is extra intriguing when those same people use the phrase “meet them where they are at”…mind boggling)
Isn’t everything a theory? I think the systems at work in our world are just a theory (quite a powerful one) about how we “should” see each other, how we “should” be, etc. And that theory is so powerful it is often seen as truth…often without question. It gives value to some things and not to others, and it is often so dominate it can’t be seen. The movie Precious Knowledge did a nice job flushing that out.
If not being a “theory to practice” person means that one isn’t using the theory they were taught in a class to guide their practice, I would ask what theory are you using? Not that I’m saying everyone needs to use the theory they were taught in class…more, I’m just raising the idea that perhaps there is always a theory guiding everything that we do, and as many of us know “theory can make you miss things”…this would mean that we are always missing things…so then what do we mean by “meet students where they are at” and why is that a more common phrase used to describe one’s practice than “this is how I came to hear the student” so there is at least a better chance of surfacing what is being missed?
“10 Ways to Happiness in the New Year”
Since about mid-December I’ve been either reading on Facebook, or receiving in my inbox, all sorts of lists. Sure I saw them throughout the year, but they seemed to increase exponentially toward the end of the year. Even now I am willing to bet that if I were to scroll through my Facebook news feed I could find several posts from friends titled something such as “10 ways to Happiness in the New Year”, “5 Tips for Securing the Job of Your Dreams”, or “7 Things You Didn’t Know Could Freeze in a Polar Vortex”. Each of these lists is well and good…I suppose. I read a top ten list for how to keep warm, and did almost half of them, but was still cold on Monday when it was -9 as the high (not including windchill)–I’m actually still cold now. I worry that if the students I teach focus on all of the tips being given to them regarding the job search process they will forget to be themselves and won’t realize that they, too, are interviewing the place of employment. Perhaps it makes sense that many people leave their first job. I also do find myself chuckling when I read a list that allows me to identify myself–“20 things that people from Iowa do” or “10 items those who went to college in the 90s can relate to”.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a list maker…a “to do” list maker. I learned a long time ago that making a “to do” list for my day helped me to get more done, or so it seemed (and still does!) each time I crossed an item off the list. And I’ve pretty much stuck to this method. Each morning I wake up and write my “to do” list for the day (sometimes I do it the night before). Crossing items off throughout the day, and moving things to the next day’s list that I didn’t accomplish (occasionally I feel guilty for doing this, but often chalk it up to my own fault for having put too many items on my daily “to do” list). This method of creating a “to do” list works well for me, but of course I don’t put things on my list that I think I can’t get done. I certainly don’t need one more list telling me 10 things that really just aren’t achievable with my skills and habits.
Maybe the lists are rubbing me sour these days because they present the information they are offering as though it is a simple checklist. “You, too, can have balance in your life if you just follow these five tips” and then the site goes on to list tips such as “put yourself first” or “make time to exercise”, as though either of those tips is easy to just wake up and start doing. Maybe a worthwhile list would be one that outlines the process of hard work, energy, and renegotiating that often goes into being able to check anything off a list. Such a list would be much more congruent with my experience, although perhaps it doesn’t seem as inspiring as all of the other lists floating around. I’m sure that such a list exists…perhaps I will put locating it on my “to do” list for tomorrow.
Sit_With_It 